Do you get stuck worrying about what others think? A fellow HSP requested advice on how to stop worrying about what others think of her. I get this question a lot. I want to share what’s helped me personally because, frankly, a lot of advice I hear is too simplistic.
Everyone seeks approval in some way, even those who don’t realize they do. But some of us get more bogged down than others in worrying about what people think.
The woman I referenced above said she was tired of judging herself through the eyes of others and making assumptions about what they think of her. This was a major cause of her anxiety.
Her words struck a chord with me…because I’ve been there. It’s hard to admit, but worrying about what others think has been a source of my own anxiety over the years. It’s taken time to learn how to release this burden.
If you’re seeking approval from others, you may…
- People please and avoid conflict to gain acceptance.
- Think others say or feel negative things about you.
- Find it hard to voice your needs.
- Have difficulty even knowing what you want.
I used to worry people would be mad at me if I didn’t do what they wanted me to do. I’d make up stories about what others were thinking.
I felt self-conscious and anxious in so many contexts. I worried others would see the self-doubt that lingered inside me.
When you’re in a constant mindset of seeking validation, it’s easy to start to hate this part of yourself. You might feel out of control because you’re placing your worth in the hands of another. You want to change this pattern, but maybe you’re not sure how.
Why You Worry About What Others Think
As we come into this world, we’re conditioned to seek approval. Validation serves as a survival mechanism that helps us receive nurturing from our caregivers and navigate things like right and wrong and safety versus danger.
But some continue seeking excessive external validation well into adulthood. When you adopt perceptions and moral compasses of those around you, it may feel good to be validated. But then you struggle to hear your true self, which causes you to suffer.
Here’s the thing you need to understand if you’re stuck in this pattern.
When you worry about what others think, an inner dialogue is often happening. Much of the time, the dialogue is with an inner critic who says you’re not good enough. The approval-seeker inside you shows up in an effort to quiet or disprove the critic, so it can say, “I’m good enough!”
These two parts of your psyche are in conflict with one another by nature, but they have something in common. They’re both there to protect you from shame, rejection, humiliation, failure, etc. And the approval-seeker from your childhood continues its job into adulthood if you don’t learn otherwise along the way.
So, what do you do to stop worrying about what others think?
From my experience, trying to will these parts away only makes them more powerful. You have to go deeper into the land of curiosity in understanding these parts to access your higher self.
The steps below are informed, in part, by the Internal Family Systems approach to psychotherapy.
1. Pay attention to how this part of you shows up. Does it agree with others automatically? Does it defer to others for decisions? Does it make up stories of what others are saying? In what situations does this part surface? With what people? Simply start to build the awareness of how this part presents in your life.
2. Get to know the part with this exercise adapted from the IFS model:
If the part shows up at a time when you can take a few minutes of mindfulness, take a moment to practice this exercise. Gently close your eyes and rest in the natural flow of your breath.
Then begin to notice the approval-seeking part of you. You might notice its words, voice, and energy. It may help to visualize this part as a mini version of yourself. As you become aware of its qualities, pay attention to where this part sits in your body and how it feels there.
Notice what you feel toward this part. If you feel something other than curiosity or compassion (frustration, shame, etc.), notice the other parts that may be contributing to those feelings. Acknowledge those parts and ask them if they’re willing to step back for a moment so you can be with the approval-seeking part.
As the other parts step back, begin to grow a sense of curiosity toward the approval-seeking part. What does it want you to know? What is its job? Does it like its role? What is it afraid of?
3. Sit in the space of your higher self. As you practice the exercise above, you may begin to experience more of your accepting, compassionate self that evokes a feeling of peace. Spend some time in that peace feeling your body and noticing that these parts are components of your psyche, but they’re separate from your higher self. The more you can access this higher self, the more you’ll be able to live from a curious, compassionate, and accepting energy.
4. Practice accessing your higher self in everyday situations. When I first began teaching yoga, my head was scattered with performance anxiety. I had trouble keep information straight as I started to practice my teaching skills. I’d constantly feel that I wasn’t worthy of bringing this powerful practice to others. These days I work with the above exercise and similar practices as part of my self-care. By accessing my higher self, I come to my teaching from a place of purpose and showing up for others to support their healing. Practice accessing your higher self in small moments of your daily life, even with tiny decisions. (I just accessed mine when I made the choice to trust my article as is without asking my boyfriend to validate it.)
There are many tips and tools related to boundaries, self-talk, beliefs, and so forth that may support this journey as well. However, my personal path has shown me that learning to access my deepest higher self and understand my various parts is absolutely vital to lasting transformation and self-compassion.
What about you? Have you found a strategy that helps you to let go of worrying about what others think?