The following article was originally written and published in 2017 under the title “How to Deal with Difficult Conversations and Feelings After Charlottesville” following a white supremacist terrorist attack in Charlottesville, VA. The recommendations are still relevant for how to deal with difficult conversations across current contexts.
The Charlottesville headlines have dwindled, but have your feelings? How about the people in your life with opposing perspectives? Have the controversies subsided?
My guess is that the feelings are still there, especially for those of us who are sensitive and care deeply about social justice.
The violent racism we saw in Charlottesville along with the political aftermath left many of us feeling outraged, sad, helpless, and anxious. That’s a healthy human response to a horrific situation.
But you’re not hearing from me until now for a reason. I deliberately chose to take time to respond to the events in Charlottesville. I knew that impulsive reactions to share fear-invoking posts and start wars on Facebook would only impede my desire to advance understanding.
I also think it’s important to keep these conversations going after the headlines recede.
If you’re a sensitive person, chances are that words and actions that hurt people bother you at your core. You may also be likely to pick up on subtle prejudice and microaggressions. Awareness can be both a strength and a source of frustration as we wonder what we can do.
After some reflection, I’ve decided to share a few tips for interacting with the people around you and taking empowered action. I think sensitive souls have a unique gift to carry out all of these.
How to Deal with Difficult Conversations and Feelings
1. Remember that we are all products of social conditioning.
Conditioning refers to learned thoughts and behaviors we adopt unconsciously as a result of reward, punishment, and opinions of those in our environment. We learn who we should and shouldn’t be and who others should and shouldn’t be. We create stories about ourselves and how the world works for our own sense of identity and belonging.
Anything that poses a threat to those stories generally results in feeling vulnerability and fear. We’ll do anything to protect the parts of us feeling scared and vulnerable. We may place blame, get defensive, become angry, or shut down.
We are each a product of the weaving of our biology and environment. Traumatic experiences, in which we feel little control in life, can also form our beliefs and modes of operation for living in the world. It’s human nature to want to feel in control, especially when we’ve felt powerless.
You may have friends or family that see things differently from you. If you want to have a relationship with these people, it helps to consider their experiences and conditioning.
When I feel angry or irritated with someone, I use two visualizations to help me:
- I picture the adult as a child. What might it have been like for them to be a child? What narratives were they told by their parents, religion, etc.? What hardships did they face? What message my that leave a child with?
- I imagine focus on the person as a brain and body. This might sound strange, but it helps me to see the other with a brain that has been wired, at least in part, by their life experience. Knowing what we do about the brain’s neuroplasticity, it also gives me hope that we can all grow.
When I talk about developing understanding and compassion, this is not about condoning racism, sexism, or hate speech. It’s seeing the truth about both the limitations and potential of those in our lives. It also helps us cope with difficult realities and build resilience.
2. Avoid shaming.
Researcher, author, and public speaker Brene Brown recorded a Facebook live video just after Charlottesville. In it, she emphasizes the need to continue to have difficult conversations and how important it is to have these conversations without shaming and dehumanizing others.
I know how easy it is to get caught up in the thick of an argument and lose your calm. When things get heated, it’s easy to fall into calling names or shaming people. We may react with sarcasm or eye-rolling. When we say things like, “How could you believe…?” or “That’s ridiculous to think…”, the other person is likely to hear, “Shame on you.”
It’s not a constructive communication approach, and it’s not an effective social justice tactic. When we shame, we do little to advance social justice and get our message heard.
You’ve likely experienced pain of shame. Do you best to avoid slinging it at others.
3. Spark understanding.
This is not easy. I know… But truthfully, arguing about facts and ideology usually doesn’t get us very far if a person’s identity feels threatened. This may be futile, especially when the “facts” originate from differing ideologies.
If we don’t argue facts, how do we dialogue?
First, it’s important to clarify the other’s stance without simplifying that stance into your terms. Ask questions without assumption. Identify the fear and get get curious so you can begin to understand it. You might need to read the sources of information that the other is receiving in order for your point to be heard as well.
Do your best to use “I” statements such as, “I feel really hurt when my experience in the world is disregarded,” and questions such as, “Can you help me understand what leads you to this conclusion?” Avoid accusatory assertions.
4. Check in with your nervous system.
Anger, frustration, and grief are normal and healthy emotions. Yet, constructive dialogue comes when we are grounded, calm, and curious. It may not always be the right moment for you or the other. Be deliberate about when you choose to enter and have difficult conversations.
If you notice your heart rate increasing or body tensing, you might try slowing your exhale to calm your nervous system or ground by sensing the surfaces beneath you. Or come back to one of the visuals I mentioned above.
If you feel emotionally flooded, it’s okay to step away and come back to the conversation later. You can say something like, “I’d like to continue this conversation with you, but I feel like we could use a little breather before continuing. Psychologist John Gottman advises taking at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to regulate. Key to this is doing something completely unrelated to the conflict (go for a walk, listen to music, etc.) rather than focusing on or replaying the conflict.
5. Speak up and say something.
This is where we have to be keenly aware and work the balance between mindful dialogue and standing up for social justice. There are times when we need to speak up for ourselves and for others. When white supremacy shows its face or you witness injustice, we can’t just be silent. We must speak up in our families and communities, but the when and how take some discernment.
6. Support a cause doing meaningful work.
If you want to make a change, empower your ability to take action. Donate. Get active. Call your elected officials.
I learned about a Chicago-based organization, Life After Hate. This non-profit was founded by former members of alt-right violent extremist movements who made a transformation. They help radicalized individuals disengage from extremist movements and rehabilitate them to counter the seeds of hate. These folks are doing amazing work to transform hate.
Final words on how to deal with difficult conversations and feelings…
Whatever you speak and do, aim for it to come from a grounded place. Anger is a valid emotion, but we must turn it into the fuel to advance love, justice, and great change.
How do you deal with difficult conversations and feelings? Please share in a comment below!