Speaking Up for Yourself: When and How to Do It

If you struggle with speaking up for yourself, you’re not alone.

You might worry about disappointing people if you say how you really feel. Maybe you’ve encountered dismissal or backlash when you’ve spoken up in the past.

You may also freeze in moments of conflict if you can’t quite verbalize your thoughts.

Speaking up is rarely easy, but it’s essential for your own well-being and for the health of your relationships.

Relationships are built on trust, and part of trust is being honest, even if it results in conflict. Bear in mind that there is nothing wrong with conflict and being able to deal with conflict effectively can actually help create more intimacy.

It’s okay to have feelings, needs, and boundaries–and to express them. Being able to discern when and how to speak up for yourself can profoundly influence the outcome.

This article outlines practical considerations. If speaking up is a major struggle for you, seek support from a qualified therapist to help you address the root issues.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak Up

If you an have an inner voice urging you to speak up, you may want to consider some of the following questions first:

1) How do I feel right now?

Notice the state of your nervous system. There’s no shame if you’ve spoken from an angry or anxious place in the past. We’ve all done it. Yet, it’s best to communicate when you’re feeling calm. In marital conflict, psychologist Dr. John Gottman recommends taking at least 20 minutes to self-soothe before attempting to address conflict. If you speak from a calm state, you’re more likely to be heard, say what you mean to say, and less likely to say things you regret.

2) Is this something I need to say?

Know your “why” behind speaking up. Not every feeling needs to be shared, and you may not need to speak up every time something offends you. Some things may truly be better left unsaid or discussed with a therapist. It may be time to speak up if you’re bottling your emotions while carrying resentment, someone is treating you poorly, or you stay silent out of worrying what others think. Reflect on the following: What will happen if I don’t speak up? How will I feel? Am I upholding a problematic pattern in the relationship?

3) Is this an appropriate time?

Some contexts are more conducive to effective communication. You might consider whether there’s enough time to discuss the matter, if you want people around or not, and whether you can leave if things go south. There are situations when you may need to say something without forethought–perhaps with a partner or relative. If you’re dealing with a workplace issue, strategic silence may help give you time to prepare, weigh the risks, and choose optimal timing.

4) Is this person likely to listen?

This may be related to timing. Be aware of the other person’s emotional state and when they’re likely to be more receptive. There may not be an ideal time with some people. When possible, wait until the other person is less stressed and more relaxed.

Recognize when you’ve been down this road before. Some conversations can be circular. Sometimes it’s worth another try, but know when it’s no longer a wise use of your energy. If you’ve made multiple attempts, it may be time to engage less and move on. If you’re struggling with this, get support from a therapist to work through what’s holding you back.

5) How can I communicate in a way that can be heard?

If you’re a quieter person, you may literally need to increase your volume to embody confidence and ensure your voice is heard. Be concise, avoid the pitfall of over-explaining, and learn to say ‘no’ without guilt. You may want to write down what you want to say and practice in front of a mirror. Even a few simple phrases in your back pocket can be helpful.

A Few Phrases for Your Communication

For saying no or setting boundaries:

“I’m sorry, I don’t have the capacity for that right now.”
“That date isn’t going to work for my schedule.”
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”

For sensitive conversations, consider how you start. For example, affirm the importance of the relationship and/or give the person the benefit of the doubt:

“Our relationship is important to me, so I want to be honest with you.”
“I realize you didn’t mean for what you say to come off this way…”

Use “I” statements that focus on the impact (what you feel) rather than placing blame:

“When it seems like you’re not listening, I feel like what I say doesn’t matter.”
“I feel worried when I don’t hear from you. I’d like to find ways to improve our communication.”

Of course, if this is a relationship in which you want to connect more deeply, you’ll also need to be open to hearing what they have to say.

Final Thoughts About Speaking Up for Yourself

Some circumstances are not safe to speak up. If you’re facing risks such as physical danger, retaliation in your workplace, or emotional abuse, prioritize your safety with professional help and guidance.

There are times when no matter how you communicate something, the other person may respond negatively. Know when enough is enough.

Remember that your worth is not dependent on how others react. Healthy relationships allow for honest communication.

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