Stonewalling: What It Is, When It's Abuse, and What to Do

Conflict is natural and happens in every intimate relationship. There’s nothing wrong with conflict if we have healthy ways to deal with it.

The problem arises when we resort to destructive conflict styles. One example is known as stonewalling, which occurs when one person goes silent in response to conflict.

You may have experience with stonewalling, whether you’ve been the stonewaller, stonewallee, or both. We all exhibit destructive conflict styles from time to time. Yet, if continuous, stonewalling damages relationships by erecting walls. At its worst, it can be a form of abuse.

I’ll admit I’ve been both the stonewaller and stonewallee, even if to a mild degree. Sometimes I still find myself shutting down when my partner and I have a conflict, but these days my silence doesn’t last long as I’ve learned to identify it and change course.

So, let’s take a look at what stonewalling is, its impact, when it’s abuse, and how to address it.

What Is Stonewalling?

Dr. John Gottman is a psychological researcher and clinician who has conducted research for over 40 years on marital stability and divorce prediction. According to Gottman, there are four conflict styles that erode relationships and predict divorce with a high degree of accuracy. These conflict styles, known as The Four Horsemen, are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Stonewalling is an avoidant behavior pattern by which a person withdraws and shuts down when faced with a conflict discussion. It can look like:

Ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing concerns of the other
Statements such as: “I’m done,” “End of conversation,” or “I’m not talking about this.”
Withdrawing or walking away in the middle of a discussion
Gaslighting/pretending all is fine while giving the silent treatment
Being too busy to talk about an issue
Going silent for hours, days, months

Of course, this conflict style is both harmful and ineffective. So, why do people do it?

Why People Stonewall

Stonewalling is a response to emotional and physiological flooding. That is, conflict is often rife with high emotions, which can elevate one’s heart rate, release stress hormones, and trigger a fight or flight response.

When a person is in fight or flight, rational abilities and responses are less accessible. Shutting down may be the conflict pattern the stonewaller has learned in order to self-protect and self-soothe.

It’s worth noting that Gottman’s research has shown that in heterosexual relationships, 85 percent of those who stonewall are male. Given that boys are socialized not to show or talk about their feelings, it’s not hard to see why this behavior may be more common in men.

A person who stonewalls may:

Lack emotional regulation skills
Worry they won’t be able to control their emotions if they share them
Carry shame around feeling their emotions
Think they’re protecting the relationship by avoiding conflict
Withdraw to protect themselves and restore balance to their nervous system

In some cases, stonewalling can be manipulative and abusive, which we’ll discuss further below.

The Impact of Stonewalling

Stonewalling can lead to a cascade of relationship problems. Conflict cannot be resolved when communication is blocked. When conflict remains unresolved, it usually festers, and even a minor discord can escalate into much larger problems.

The stonewallee is likely to feel dismissed, rejected, or confused in response to the stonewaller’s silence. The stonewallee may feel low self-worth and withdraw as well, or they may become louder to get a reaction from the stonewaller, which is likely to further trigger the stonewaller.

The stonewaller suffers too as they exile their true feelings instead of expressing them. Of course, in the absence of vulnerability, emotional intimacy in the relationship is impossible.

Both parties suffer with stonewalling, and when it shows up continuously, it disintegrates the very foundation of healthy, intimate relationships—trust.

How to Know When Stonewalling Is Abusive

Sometimes stonewalling comes from good intentions. The stonewaller often has no awareness that what they’re doing causes harm. They may simply be trying to soothe uncomfortable emotions in the only way they were taught. Though this is unhealthy, it’s not automatically abusive.

In other cases, the stonewaller may intentionally use this as a tactic to manipulate or punish the other person. It goes without saying that such an attempt to gain power and control over another person is indeed emotional abuse.

Here are some indicators of when stonewalling is abuse:

The stonewaller determines when you communicate.
It only ends when you apologize or give in.
It’s a recurring pattern and/or lasts for lengthy periods of time.
You sense it’s coming from a place of punishment.
You avoid expressing how you feel to prevent it.
You’re dismissed when you express feeling demeaned or confused.

Of course, there isn’t always a distinct line when it comes to discerning intention. Furthermore, regardless of intention, when stonewalling behavior persists in a relationship continuously, the impact can still be abusive.

Yet, if a person who stonewalls is willing to examine and change their conflict style, there’s hope for a healthier path forward.

How to Address Stonewalling

Gottman posits that since stonewalling happens in response to emotional flooding, the antidote is to self-soothe and that either person can initiate this antidote.

1) Notice what’s happening. An elevated heart rate or body tension are good indicators of being flooded. Scan to see if you or the other person are showing signs of high emotion and overwhelm.

2) Ask to take a break. When one or both of you is in fight or flight mode, don’t expect constructive communication. This is the time to use a cue such as, “I’m noticing that I’m feeling overwhelmed…” or, “I feel like we might benefit from a breather,” so that you can return to a calmer state before communicating. When possible, it’s helpful to agree on this cue ahead of time if you both know this is a pattern. It is also something that can be proposed during the resolution of a conflict.

3) Agree to return. It’s vital for the health of your relationship that you refrain from sweeping the conflict under the rug. Before separating from the other person, assure them that you want to come back and revisit the conversation. This will also affirm that you’re not abandoning them or their feelings.

4) Self-soothe. Gottman’s research has shown that it takes at least 20 minutes to return to a state of equilibrium. What’s also important here is that you take this time to do something else entirely to regulate rather than going over the events of the conflict on repeat since that will only keep you in a stress response. You might take a walk or read a book.

5) Communicate with empathy. When communicating, it helps to prioritize emotions over behaviors. If you’re the one stonewalling, own it and name the emotions that you’re feeling. If the other person is stonewalling, it’s important to remember that their behavior is a protective reaction that may be a response to criticism or contempt, two of the other Four Horsemen. Being willing to listen and hold space for the emotions that may feel shameful to them can go a long way.

A Few Final Important Notes About Stonewalling

It’s not your job to fix. While you may have a role in influencing how the stonewalling dynamic goes, it’s vital that you realize that it is not your job to constantly make concessions or be the only one attempting to address the conflict pattern. Doing so is a recipe for codependency and allows the stonewaller to shirk their problematic behavior.
You may benefit from professional help. If you can’t seem to break the stonewalling pattern, a third party can have a profound impact. Consider reaching out to a licensed counselor who can help you with communication and strategies to approach conflict.
When it’s abuse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek help from a licensed counselor or domestic violence services—1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Resources

Benson, K. (n.d.). How Chronic Stonewalling Imprisons a Relationship. Retrieved August 23, 2021 from https://www.kylebenson.net/stonewalling/

Brown, B. (Host). (2021, February 3). Brené with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last. In Unlocking Us. Retrieved from https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-drs-john-and-julie-gottman-on-what-makes-love-last/

Good Therapy (n.d.). Stonewalling. Retrieved August 22, 2021 from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/stonewalling

The Gottman Institute. (2021, January 25). 4 Conflict Styles that Hurt Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/

Killoren, C. (2021, February 28). Stonewalling Signs, Abuse and Preventing it from Ruining Your Relationship. Relish. Retrieved from https://hellorelish.com/articles/stonewalling-signs-relationship-tips.html

Lisitsa, E. (2013, april 26). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 20). The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/

Pietrangelo, A. (2019, April 30). How to Respond When Someone Gives You the Silent Treatment. Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment

Ranger, T. (2022, July 28). Stonewalling: How It Damages Relationships & 6 Tips for Overcoming. Choosing Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stonewalling