Spiritual bypass is a term that describes attempts to rise above and effectively deny unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths.
Leer en español con Yoga en Red: Bypass espiritual: 5 ejemplos comunes, por qué sucede y qué hacer)
Listen to my podcast interview with The Outerknown: Spiritual Bypassing w/ Melissa Noel Renzi
Though the term only entered my vocabulary and cognitive understanding in recent years, I’ve witnessed this pervasive defense mechanism repeatedly in my 20 years of involvement in yoga and wellness communities. Of course, I’ve also unwittingly done my share of spiritual bypassing in the name of healing and helping while not understanding the harm caused.
It’s quite common for people with good hearts and intentions to engage in spiritual bypassing making it easy to miss how it negatively impacts individuals and collective society.
Today I want to share with you:
- What spiritual bypass is and why it’s a problem
- Why it happens so often in spiritual communities
- Common examples of spiritual bypassing that cause harm
- How to address it without further harm to yourself or others
What Is Spiritual Bypass?
Spiritual bypass was coined by the late psychologist John Welwood in 1984 to describe what he saw in a Buddhist community in which he was involved. He describes it as the “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
We all have parts of ourselves we’d rather not look at, so we deny or push them aside. When we bury these aspects in the subconscious rather than resolve and integrate them, they often take on dysfunctional roles and behaviors that prevent healing and cause harm to ourselves and relationships.
At a societal level, there are uncomfortable realities and injustices to acknowledge and address. When we avoid facing problematic issues in our outer systems, we invalidate the lived experiences of others while shirking our own accountability in creating healthier systems that support everyone.
In both situations, offering up only positive thinking or “love and light” is an approach that circumvents the roots of the issues at hand and causes further harm.
Why Spiritual Bypass Happens in Spiritual Communities
First, spiritual bypassing is not only a spiritual community phenomenon. Even in the world of therapy, there are methods overly focused on behavioral change and challenging “irrational” emotions that can be bypassing and dismissive in effect.
I’ll also note that many people drawn to spirituality and wellness are often seeking answers and cures for deep-seated pain and feelings of unworthiness. If we find a healing practice, it’s easy to cling to those teachings as the answer to all problems while dismissing the fundamental variation and nuance of our relative world.
This brings me to the essential reason for spiritual bypass in spiritual communities.
The wisdom teaching of reality is frequently misconstrued and misguided. We confuse absolute reality with relative reality. Allow me to explain the basics according to some non-dual Vedic and Buddhist traditions, which may overlap with other traditions as well.
Absolute reality is that which is changeless, eternal, and transcendent. It is the absolute truth of oneness of all and the nature of how things really are in the universe.
Relative reality is that which is subject to change, timebound, and dependent. It is the observable phenomena of worldly existence–your environment, circumstances, resources, relationships, identities, and feelings you experience.
Many spiritual seekers come to contemplative practices seeking transcendence. Experiencing a glimpse of the absolute or deeper consciousness in a meditation practice can make it tantalizing to root yourself in the notion of absolute reality while denigrating the relative as simply an illusion.
The absolute is not superior over the relative. Both realities are true.
Let’s take a look at a few common examples of spiritual bypass to understand this better.
5 Common Ways People Spiritually Bypass
1) I don’t have attachments.
I’m not affected because I’m not attached.
The teaching of non-attachment in many traditions is commonly misapplied. From an absolute perspective, one may get the idea that they don’t need material possessions, relationships, and so forth. Yet, from a relative perspective, everyone needs healthy attachment and relationships, shelter, clothing, and means to eat. The teaching is not to overvalue the objects of your life and understand their place. Denial of this truth can easily lead to avoidance and repression of fundamental needs. Further, suggesting you or someone else is “too attached” is shaming and unhelpful.
2) I don’t see color.
All lives matter.
We are all one human race.
In the absolute reality, oneness is true. And from a non-dualistic perspective, you could even add in animals, plant life, and all of manifestation. Yes, we are absolutely one. In a relative reality, this is a harmful dismissal of the very real world we live in where we are not treated as one human race nor do we have the same “one” access to safety, healthcare, housing, food, education, and other basic human needs that matter for all lives. Denying color not only invalidates experiences and tells people you don’t see them, but it also permits avoidance of responsibility of doing your part to create the conditions that are equal and beneficial for everyone.
3) Good vibes only.
Focus on the positive.
The intention may be to encourage yourself and others or set boundaries with toxic behaviors and actions. Yet, the impact is toxic positivity, which can be shaming and alienating to those (including you!) struggling with trauma, grief, mental health issues, or systemic injustice.
If you struggle with depression, you know that someone telling you to “be positive” is not effective in addressing the underlying reasons. “Good vibes only” is far from an invitation for someone to open up about an abusive relationship or a loss they’re grieving. I can’t imagine telling a community whose people are being killed in the streets or caged at the border to “focus on the positive” or that I’m sending “love and light”.
Finding the good in the world and having hope are useful and necessary, but welcoming all feelings and parts of yourself is a vital principle for uncovering authentic hope.
4) Anger is a destructive emotion.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
The harm of statements such as these is grossly overlooked in our society. Anger and fear are often considered to be negative, destructive emotions that need to be banished from your psyche. This is another form of bypass. While it may not be helpful to live from anger or fear, bypassing them is not the answer for two reasons:
1) Both anger and fear are normal human emotions that help you survive and can even be beneficial in certain circumstances. Anger can protect more vulnerable emotions, illuminate injustice, and provide the motivation and fuel for engaged action. Fear also serves to protect and can give you important information you may need.
2) Silencing or condemning anger or fear is like putting a bandage on a gash that requires stitches. You may manage to stop the bleeding and cover the wound momentarily but it is sure to open back up without proper attention, care, and treatment.
5) You create your reality.
Raise your vibration/frequency.
Manifest your way to ____.
Law of attraction lures many people in. I even found myself pulled in years ago, but there was always something unsettling for me. The charlatans in this industry aside, the law of attraction belief system is hyper-individualistic and blaming and shaming in nature. It ignores the systemic power structures that enable injustice and reinforces the human predicament of not feeling good enough. You wouldn’t tell a Syrian refugee that they can create their reality if they think positively and you wouldn’t tell this person that they attracted their horrific circumstances. So, what makes those with more privilege so much more apt to be able to work with the mystical force of law of attraction? If you’re not manifesting the reality of your dreams, you’re not to blame and that should be clear if you look around to the circumstances of our time.
How to Handle Spiritual Bypassing Without More Harm
1) Build your awareness. If the concept is new to you, take some time to understand and reflect on the concepts I’ve outlined. Consider whether you’ve been the recipient or perpetrator of spiritual bypassing. Most of us have participated in both, so you can examine your role in doling it out and also what it was like to be on the receiving end. Also really take a look at how you’ve bypassed your own emotions and experiences.
2) Understand intention vs. impact. You can read every example I’ve given and see how anyone who says these things likely means well and even wants to be helpful. Yet, you might also see that the impact can still be hurtful and/or shaming, causing further issues for both our inner and outer systems. A common way to bypass responsibility is rooting oneself in “but I didn’t mean to…” rather than owning the impact of our words and actions. You can have good intentions and still apologize and validate when your intentions land in a way that causes harm. Truly, this latter approach is the path toward greater empathy, trust, and intimacy.
3) Have compassion with your bypassing parts. My purpose in writing this article was to bring attention to common problematic phrases and viewpoints in spiritual communities while doing my best to not come off as snarky or shaming. My request to you is to consider what I’ve written without telling yourself you’re bad for engaging in bypassing and without telling others they’re bad for doing it. Instead, I encourage you to be present and compassionate with the parts of you that may have bypassed and understand their intentions. When you can do this for yourself, you’ll be more able to have compassion for other people’s tendencies and address them without shaming and exiling parts of them.
I’d love to hear from you if you have any examples of spiritual bypass that I missed or ways this has shown up in your life. Feel free to leave a comment below.