Transforming Self-Criticism as an HSP
You know how your sensitivity can feel like a weakness, but it can actually be one of your greatest sources of strength?
Well, what if I told you that critical voice in your head has similar aspects? What if your inner critic could indeed shift from being a voice of shame to a voice of empowerment?
Hear me out…
I know how tiring it is to deal with self-criticism as an HSP. The world is exhausting enough for your sensitive nervous system. You don’t need to feel berated by your inner critic on top of it all.
Chances are you’ve tried a myriad of methods to break the self-criticism cycle and may feel skeptical about what I’m going to suggest. I get it. It can be tough to see through the myths about your inner critic.
But the approach I’m sharing with you has profoundly shifted my own relationship with my inner critic, as well as other parts of myself I used to dislike. What I’ve outlined in this article is drawn from a model called Internal Family Systems.
What Is Internal Family Systems?
Developed by Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a method of individual psychotherapy that views the mind as made up of a complex system inner “parts” or subpersonalities. The way those parts show up is different for everyone, but the parts are like an inner family with various stories, roles, feelings, and intentions for you. Just like a family, inner parts can be in conflict with one another.
The IFS approach recognizes that we have hurt, wounded parts and other parts that aim to protect and take control of the system so that those wounded parts don’t get triggered. In addition to wounded and protector parts, this model suggests that each of us has what IFS calls Self energy. From the IFS perspective, the Self is compassionate, curious, and calm and the true essence of who we really are.
IFS offers an “all parts welcome” way to relate to parts, harmonize the inner system, and get Self back in the driver’s seat. When it comes to dealing with self-criticism as an HSP, I find this compassionate approach works well in healing our sensitive inner systems.
5 Steps to Healing Self-Criticism as an HSP
You may have already guessed that we usually have more than one inner critic. In your process, you may find those critics surface in different situations for different reasons. The following process can be used with any protective part, so I will refer to a general “critical part”.
As you go through this process, it may be helpful to have a pen and paper handy to write or draw any images that come to mind.
1. Acknowledge the critical part. If the part is not currently activated, bring a situation to mind that triggered inner criticism. Notice if there’s an image that comes up or a sensation in a particular area of your body when the part is present. If an image or body sensation is not present, it’s okay. Parts also show up as thoughts, feelings, and voices. Simply notice what is presenting.
2. Check to see if you’re feeling the emotions of the critical part. The IFS approach is to work with parts from Self energy, the aspects of you that are open and present. If you feel like you’re stuck in the beliefs of the critical part, this may mean you’re what’s called “blended” with the part. Ask the critical part if it would step back so you can get to know and understand it. If the part is unwilling to separate, you can ask what it’s afraid might happen if it gave you space. Do your best to reassure it about trusting the process.
3. Notice how you feel toward the critical part. This is similar to step two, but in this case, there may be what is called a concerned part that has feelings toward the critical part. If you feel anything negative toward the critical part, then another part is present. For example, you may have a part that feels frustrated with the critical part. Let the frustrated part know you understand it’s bothered and ask it if it would be willing to step back so you can get to know the critical part better. You may need to repeat this process if you discover additional parts that have negative feelings toward the critical part. You may also need to do this with parts that feel skeptical or avoidant in some way.
4. Begin to get to know the role of the critical part. Once you are “in Self” and feeling a sense of curiosity toward the critical part, you can begin to ask it questions. You may ask the part the following questions: What does it feel its job is? What does it want you to know? What is it concerned about? How old does it think you are? What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t put you down all the time? Does it like its job or would like a different role. Notice how it responds to these questions.
5. Build trust with the critical part. By now, you may have learned about this part’s positive intentions to protect you, even if its words feel hurtful. If you feel genuine compassion toward it, let it know with a kind gesture or words of love. Let it know you understand and appreciate how hard it’s working for you.
Of course, there is much more extensive work you can do with IFS to help truly unburden protective parts and heal the vulnerable parts they’re protecting. Yet, by simply beginning a curious, compassionate dialogue with a protector, you start to set the foundation for allowing it to trust your capacity when you’re in Self and this allows it to relax.
The above exercise was adapted from the work of Richard Schwartz at The Center for Self-Leadership and Jay Earley’s book, Self-Therapy. While I will continue to share IFS techniques, if you’re interested in taking a deeper dive into the world of IFS, I highly recommend Jay’s book, as well as the resources offered by Richard Schwartz. The Center for Self-Leadership also has a directory of IFS therapists