Do you find it difficult to say no without guilt? Many highly sensitive people are so in tune with the feelings and needs of others, that it can be difficult to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty.
Yet, it’s critical that highly sensitive people learn to say no without guilt when necessary to practice self-care and create healthy relationships. If we don’t, we can easily end up overwhelmed, resentful, codependent, and the list goes on…
I was recently attending a retreat in a group much larger than I expected. I knew from the start that this was an opportunity to practice what I have always encouraged my retreat guests to do–ask for what I need as an highly sensitive introvert participant.
Throughout the week, there were many moments, when I clearly stated my needs. I managed to say no without guilt on several occasions. An truly, I left feeling liberated by how simple it can be to say no once you can in the habit of doing it.
Let me first say that like you, I’ve had that boss or relative with whom it wasn’t so easy. I realize that not all relationships and situations are the same. Learning to say no without guilt to family members has been one of my biggest lifelong challenges.
But to set boundaries in challenging relationships, it helps to start by practicing in simple everyday situations.
3 Steps to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person
1) Tune in. Take time to check in with yourself. There are times you may feel you have to give an answer right away when in reality, you can ask for time to respond. Ask yourself how a “yes” or “no” feels in your body. Notice where in your body you feel it and what your body has to say.
As you practice noticing and listening to your needs, it becomes easier to access your answer and say no without guilt. Bringing awareness to how your body feels in a given situation helps you more readily spot old patterns that don’t serve you.
2) Know that it’s not just for you. Often times you feel your answer. Yet, you get stuck feeling bad if you don’t do what the other wants you to do. In these moments, it’s critical to remember that sacrificing your needs doesn’t serve anyone.
Even if it feels like you’re helping another person, when you silence your needs, you harm yourself and the relationship because you’re not being honest.
It’s important to remember that human beings grow in challenging times. If you’re protecting someone else’s needs, you may just be preventing that person from going through some vital experiences they need to grow.
3) Voice your answer. Sometimes you want to say “yes”, but with a condition or boundary. So, say so, but remember that people (including children!) respond better to, “Yes, as soon as…” than, “No, I can’t…” Here are some examples of using “yes” while holding boundaries:
“Yes, I can help. This weeks won’t work for me, but I can lend a hand next week.”
“Sure, I’ll come. I’d like to see you, but I just so you to know, I’ll likely need to leave early.”
When you need to say “no”, you can be both firm and kind. Avoid giving reasons for why you can’t or don’t want to do something, as some people will challenge your reasons or push to find a way to get you to meet their needs. No is enough, so respect your “no” without feeling guilty. Here are some examples of what to say:
“I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work for me.”
“Unfortunately, that’s just not something I can do right now.”
“It sounds fun, but I won’t be available that day.”
4) Express gratitude. First, show yourself appreciation for the times when you do set boundaries. If this has been a long struggle for you, standing up for yourself can be profound. Give yourself some love and soak up the feeling of empowerment. And in the times when you feel you fall short, be compassionate with yourself.
Likewise, it’s empowering to express gratitude to the people that honor your needs. It’s easy to assume people ought to behave in certain ways, which can mean taking people who respect your boundaries for granted.
A simple, “Hey, thank you for being so understanding about…” or, “It wasn’t easy for me to ask for that, so I really appreciate that you…” can go a long way in growing intimate relationships. And it positively reinforces the relationship dynamic making it more likely for the other to respect your boundaries in the future.
For many highly sensitive people, learning how to say no without guilt can take time. But it can also be deeply healing. Be patient and compassionate with yourself through your process.
What have you found to be helpful when it comes to your boundaries as a highly sensitive person? Feel free to share in a comment below.