The Myth About Your Inner Critic + What You Need to Know
Do you have an overly active inner critic? Some people have stronger inner critics than others. If you’re a highly sensitive person who grew up feeling there was something wrong with you, chances are yours may sound particularly hurtful.
I know what it’s like to have a relentless inner critic constantly throwing jabs that make you feel downright worthless.
My inner critic…
- Called me overemotional and said I cry too easily.
- Insisted my acne-scarred skin was ugly without makeup.
- Scrutinized my work constantly demeaning me over the tiniest mistake.
- Told me I was an unfocused mess and fed me false predictions of failure.
And well, my sensitive soul sopped up those harsh words like a Bounty paper towel.
Can you relate?
If you’re like me, you’ve likely experimented with loads of approaches to unseat your inner critic. Some of those may include:
- Ignoring and refusing to listen to it.
- Engaging in attempts to disprove its abrasive words.
- Replacing “irrational” thoughts with “rational” ones.
- Changing your self-talk and repeating positive affirmations.
I’ve been there. And I must say that looking at back at those methods, I now see them like old band-aids that have lost all their adhesive.
Heavy-handed critics will usually find their way back to poke at your wounds.
It’s normal to want to silence and get rid of that critical voice. In fact, many forms of therapy encourage disputing the claims of your critic, so it makes sense to think this method is effective.
But this is a big ole myth. The truth is that the tactics I mentioned often result in a louder, stronger critic.
So, what does work? There are a few things to understand about your critic before you break the cycle.
What You Need to Know About Your Inner Critic
The following theory is based on my personal experience with Internal Family Systems (IFS), a compassionate approach to psychotherapy that provides an effective framework for understanding how your inner critic functions.
1. Your inner critic is a part of your psyche. It’s common to think you have one singular mind with various thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Yet, the IFS model offers an alternative perspective by suggesting that the psyche is made up of various subpersonalities called “parts”. Often these parts of yourself don’t agree with one another. A simple example of this is the conflict you experience when part of you craves chocolate cake and another part says that isn’t a good idea.
Similarly, you may find yourself putting off an important project. Before you know it, your critical part then chimes in calling you lazy. Through the IFS lens, you have two polarized parts, a procrastinator and a critic, in opposition to each other. If you feel frustrated by the inner critic, that’s yet another part. But here’s the kicker, in this system of parts, none of these parts are actually who you really are. I’ll get into this more in a follow-up article.
2. Your inner critic has good intentions. When the impact of inner critics feels so negative, it can feel like a bit of a paradox to entertain the idea that they have an honorable mission. But the truth is that your inner critic wants to protect you. Of course, the way it goes about this isn’t always helpful or kind.
The thing is that critical parts usually get their roles at a pretty young age. As a child, you may have had a traumatic experience that left you feeling hurt, abandoned, rejected, or ashamed. The psychic system then hides that vulnerable part and another part develops to protect it so that it does not get triggered and overwhelmed with emotions of past trauma. In this way, your inner critic is a protective part of you trying its hardest to keep you from experiencing hurt and pain. It doesn’t know it is causing you harm.
3. Your inner critic won’t usually just go away. The voice doesn’t just go away when you dismiss it or simply replace its words with kind ones. But you can learn to relate to critical parts in a way that relieves them of their extreme roles. As inner critics are usually hard at work to protect vulnerable parts, they’re usually exhausted from carrying around those heavy burdens.
The goal of IFS work is not to eliminate parts, but to help them adopt new roles that are more constructive. Chances are that your critic already functions in some useful ways, but we tend to notice the more negative roles it takes. By getting to know critical parts, you can support them in transforming from authoritarian extremists to nonviolent diplomats.
4. Your inner critic wants to be heard and understood. Other strategies to defeat your inner critic may seem to help temporarily. But critics don’t respond well to being blocked, tamed, or denied. What we resist persists and this is no different with critical parts. Your critic wants its voice heard and needs to tell its story of what it protects.
To work with your inner critic is to take time to get to know and understand its fears from a place of curiosity and compassion, what is called Self in IFS. When you lean in and listen rather than reject and ignore, your inner system can begin to integrate and harmonize.
For a step-by-step approach to working with your inner critic, read: “Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP”