If your emotional needs as an HSP were ignored or ridiculed growing up, you‘re not alone. It’s not uncommon for HSPs to experience emotional neglect by caregivers.
As an HSP, you have unique emotional needs, most of which you arrived into this world with, due to your genetic trait. Some families have an understanding of how to support highly sensitive children. Other families lack this understanding and cause undue harm.
For the most part, we live in a culture in which sensitivity is viewed as a weakness. So, it’s not hard to see that your caregivers may have grown up receiving messages from their caregivers that any qualities of sensitivity within them must be buried or purged in order to succeed in life.
Unfortunately, this narrative gets passed down through generations. It’s damaging to all children, but as an HSP, you tend to absorb these messages in ways that can leave you feeling like there’s something wrong with you or you may even disconnect from certain emotions.
The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you and there are ways to recover from lingering wounds of emotional neglect from your upbringing without your caregivers themselves needing to change.
I’ll share some specific ways to tend to your needs as an adult below, but let’s first take a look at some common struggles of HSPs who have experienced emotional neglect to better understand how this shows up.
HSPs and Emotional Neglect – Common Struggles
Many HSPs don’t even realize their emotional needs were neglected until later in life. This is especially common if you grew up in a family that had the appearance of a functional, healthy home. They were there in certain ways; yet, your deeper emotional needs were left unattended.
As an adult, you may face these common struggles, which largely center on putting your needs and feelings last.
- Codependency. HSPs feel emotions intensely, which can make you more susceptible to codependency. You may have an understanding of your caregivers’ painful upbringing and feel empathy for them. This empathy may lead you to organize your choices and behaviors in a way that doesn’t ‘rock the boat’ or cause discomfort or pain to your caregiver.
- Decision-making. You may struggle with making decisions and identifying what you want because you learned to put the needs of others first and ignore yours. When you don’t learn to listen to your own voice, it can be challenging to trust your choices.
- Setting boundaries. When you’ve absorbed the message that your needs are less important than those of others, it can be tough to discern your boundaries and speak up for your needs with confidence.
- Feeling disconnected. Many HSPs I talk to report feeling disconnected from their bodies and any sense of self. When you’ve experienced emotional neglect, it takes time to differentiate where you and your caregivers begin and end.
In understanding these common struggles, self-discovery and listening to your own needs as the path forward comes into greater focus.
HSPs and Emotional Neglect – 4 Ways to Cope & Heal
1) Seek out support. Shed the rugged individualism narrative that says it’s all up to you to resolve your past pain. For HSPs who have experienced emotional neglect, support from others is a vital component to healing. Consider a therapist or coach who understands sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), but also explore ways to connect with other HSPs. When you connect with other HSPs, not only will you feel less alone, but you’ll naturally start to see yourself more clearly. When you see the strengths of other HSPs and have compassion for them, you also plant the seeds of self-compassion and recognition of your own gifts.
2) Get to know yourself. Emotional neglect separates you from your deeper self and who you really are because you’re so accustomed to seeing yourself in relation to others. When I say get to know yourself, I’m not saying to write a list of your passions or strengths. Rather, connect in with your heart’s deepest desires and ways of truly nourishing yourself as an HSP. Explore embodied practices that foster self-discovery. This could be meditation to listen inward, yoga practice to reconnect with your body’s wisdom, or a solo hike or introspective retreat that allows you to tune into what feels utterly beneficial for your whole self.
3) Reparent yourself. To reparent yourself is to give yourself what you needed as a child that you didn’t receive from your caregivers so that your adult self can thrive today. This can take many forms and may require the guidance of a therapist in cases of complex trauma. Reparenting may include learning emotional regulation tools, soothing younger ‘parts’ of yourself, practicing self-care, and clearly communicating your needs.
4) Set healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries takes practice when you’re not used to prioritizing yourself. It requires an ability to discern between that which belongs to you and that which belongs to the other, and an ability to own your own part in stopping a dysfunctional cycle. Get clear on balanced boundaries so that you don’t find yourself in extremes of enmeshed or disengaged boundaries. Practice assertive, non-violent communication. You may have compassion and understanding for someone and still stand your clear ground. It may not be comfortable at first and you may risk losing something or someone, but also consider what you have to gain.
The messages you received or did not receive as a child may have been painful, but you have the capacity to transform those wounds and there’s no shortage of HSP support in the world today to help you.
We have two online opportunities coming up soon if you’re looking for support and want to connect with other highly sensitive people:
Jan 30, 2021: Holding Space for Healing: A Day Retreat for HSPs
Authentic story sharing (families of origin theme), deep listening, and embodied practices to tune in with compassion for yourself and others without emotional overwhelm
Feb 13, 2021: HSP Support Circle + Qi Gong
Meets monthly – Each month features a new theme and embodied practice led by a special guest. Our theme for February is ‘Nourishing Your Sensitive System’ with a Qigong practice.