What do you think is most important in highly sensitive relationships?
I often hear people say that things like communication, honesty, and respect are the most important. While these are certainly important pillars of any relationship, none of them are possible without one key ingredient. And this one ingredient happens to be of particular importance in highly sensitive relationships. I’ll share with you what this vital ingredient is, but I’d like to illustrate with a personal story.
Recently, my partner and I were out of town visiting my grandparents for a few days. During our stay, there was an instance in which our political differences surfaced. The circumstances were such that we didn’t have an opportunity to talk about the issue at the time.
Upon arriving home, my grandfather sent me an email curiously inquiring about the matter. My partner and I replied with a carefully thought out, respectful response. Despite trying our best to speak to some of our common ground, I knew our perspective differed from theirs and that they might feel offended, even angry. But this is the email I received:
“Lissey, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. We appreciated your response to our question. You certainly have a gift in your writing skills.
Yes, we have widely divergent views on so many social and political issues. So wide that we feel it’s best not to attempt a comprehensive response. The risk of misunderstanding is too high plus the breach is so wide I don’t see any hope for resolve on any of the issues.
We respect your views, as I’m sure you do ours. So let’s just leave it all here, continue our usual dialogues, and know that we truly love one another.
Love you lots, Grandpa and Grandma”
There’s something in his email that goes beyond communication, respect, and honesty, even though that’s all there. And that something is the reason I, as a highly sensitive person, can feel so close to my grandfather in our relationship.
What’s Most Important in Highly Sensitive Relationships?
Connection is the most important ingredient in highly sensitive relationships. While this might sound basic, connection is the bond that allows us to feel a sense of mutual understanding, warmth, and compassion for one another.
So often we get bogged down in attempting to communicate about difficult matters before we have what we need in the relationship for that to happen. As highly sensitive people, we’re hyper-aware of the subtleties that often lie behind words, body language, and facial expressions. If we don’t feel connected, it can be really hard to communicate respectfully because we may feel separate, wounded, or inauthentic.
Once we have the connection need met in our relationships, then communication, respect, and honesty can actually flow with greater ease, maybe even come naturally.
My grandfather recognized that we spent three days talking, listening, and connecting with one another about all kinds of subject matters and felt close in so many meaningful ways. He made a conscious choice to focus on that which connects us and recognized that we have mutual respect for one another.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that sharing diverse perspectives through respectful dialogue has an important place in our relationships and we need to learn how to deal with difficult feelings. But it is essential for both people to feel connected first. While I entirely understand and respect my grandfather’s suggestion that we stay focused on our current ways of connecting, I also do believe that the genuine connection we do share would lend itself to deeper dialogue about differences.
But what do we do when we feel we’re lacking connection in highly sensitive relationships?
How to Connect Deeply in Highly Sensitive Relationships
Deep connection in highly sensitive relationships is something I write about at length, but here are a few tips to get you started.
1. Get clarity on whether deep down you want a connection with the person. As highly sensitive people, sometimes we think we ought to connect with someone when deep down there’s a part of us that’s resisting connection. You may have some feelings you’ve concealed or perhaps the relationship doesn’t warrant the effort. Take time to ask yourself if you really want to deepen the connection and why you want this connection. Reflecting like this helps us come to relationships authenticity, which is crucial for highly sensitive people.
2. Take responsibility if you played a part in creating distance. Sometimes we put up walls without even realizing it. We get defensive, self-righteous, and blame others. Connection comes from both people owning any responsibility they bear in widening the relationship divide. Let this be part of both your inner work, as well as any dialogue you have. Own your part and let this person know you’d like to work on connecting.
3. Come to the relationship with a genuine level of interest and compassion for the other person. Empathy comes naturally for many highly sensitive people, but we can struggle with it if we’re feeling disconnected. Our defenses pop up when we feel wounded. But the other may feel similarly. A little humility and sincere desire to compassionately understand another person can go a long way. Allow yourself to be open to the other person’s experience.
4. Make eye contact when you communicate. Staring at the floor or ceiling during an argument is likely to lead to further disconnection. It’s really easy for me to get wrapped up in my mind and mood when my eyes are on something other than the person in front of me. Mindfully make eye contact so that you can attune to the other person’s fear, hurt, or vulnerability when it’s there. Looking another in the eye can help us to connect.
5. Take time for activities you enjoy together. Twenty years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad and I were seeing a counselor in an effort to connect better. She advised us to do something else besides go to dinner and talk. She knew our dinner conversations inevitably led us down a destructive path, so she suggested playing a game or going to a show. Do something fun together that allows you to enjoy one another’s company with a little levity. I love how serious I am as a sensitive person at times, but I have to balance my depth out with some frivolous fun from time to time.
Connection doesn’t have to be as difficult with people that are different from us if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity. How do you connect in relationships as a highly sensitive person? Leave a comment below.
Looking for concrete tools and dialogues to connect more deeply in highly sensitive relationships? Overcome communication problems, open up, get close, and create fulfilling relationships with my Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.
How do you connect as a highly sensitive person in your relationships? Leave a comment below!