Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you know that developing emotional regulation as an HSP can be challenging at times.

As HSPs, we feel our emotions deeply. Whether we feel anger, excitement, or sadness, emotions fill us up viscerally and can impact our well-being. Our profound empathy can lead us to feel the emotions of those around us and we may find it difficult to set healthy boundaries.

HSPs are highly attuned to the subtle nuances of our surrounding environments, not just emotions. We process information at an exceptional level of depth. Thus, we may be easily overwhelmed by information and sensory stimulation of daily living.

Not all of us are taught how to respond to challenge and regulate our emotions early in life. The absence of self-regulation skills can make it challenging to develop a sense of emotional regulation as an HSP in adulthood.

But if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity, emotional regulation as an HSP doesn’t have to be so difficult.  

Since it’s essential to learn effective tools for self-care and emotional regulation in order for HSPs to cultivate emotional balance, I’ve gathered expert tips from psychologists, authors, and coaches on how to use your sensitivity as a strength for coping with intense emotional and life challenges.

Be sure to read through to the very end to take full advantage of all resources and profound wisdom of our HSP experts.

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

Emotional Regulation Tip #1: Set intentions daily for energy, meaning, and joy

“It’s a heck of a lot easier to maintain emotional regulation as an HSP than having to find and regain it. This particular Highly Sensitive Introvert technique keeps me grounded. I’m less anxious, more productive, and I can “unhook” more easily in those challenging I’d-rather-not-be-me-in-this-moment emotional situations.

Develop a list of easy-to-answer daily intention setting questions. These questions should get at which feelings you want to experience and what would make the day meaningful. By drawing on your sensitivity to get clarity about who you want to be today and what you would like to contribute, you give yourself the emotional roadmap and destination you need to stay oriented (even when you start to get flustered) so you can access your best self and find your way through. Need an example to get started? Read 10 questions I ask daily.”

—Eva Rubin, LCSW/MPH, Certified Massage Therapist, HighlySensitiveIntrovert.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #2: Take a step back to gain perspective

“When distressed by world events, step back. You are witnessing interesting times. The earth is flowering into an amazing place, dominated by our species’ growing numbers and technology. It will inevitably wilt someday, whenever we run out of resources, but now or later? Will we grow up enough to take some charge of our planet? Slow climate change? Can we consider other species needs? We know fairly exactly the numbers and behaviors of almost all large animals on earth, from elk to tigers, as well as what they need. Now what? Okay, it can be very distressing to watch what is happening. But seen from another perspective, isn’t it amazing to be alive today, witnessing this?

Take downtime…Yearly, weekly, and daily down times. I do two hours a day of rest and meditation and no work or use of the computer after dinner. Aim for one week off a month and one month off a year. Now, six months in a lifetime? To get that time, say no when necessary. No one knows but you when you need to set a limit. Don’t be the reason, by saying yes when you need to say no, that people you care for quite unwittingly cause you stress.”

Watch Sensitive: The Untold Story

—Elaine Aron, Psychologist & Author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, HSPerson.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #3: Sit with your emotions

“I am no stranger to the emotional highs and lows that accompany being highly sensitive. One of the things that has helped me the most with emotional regulation as an HSP is taking a Taoist approach to my emotional and energetic ups and downs. I flow with the river of my own cycles, instead of constantly fighting against them. When I am feeling moody and introspective, I honor that feeling by spending time alone doing gentle activities. I also make a conscious effort to sit with my emotions and truly feel them. I no longer fear that taking time to process my feelings and experiences makes me lazy or selfish. I simply accept that my emotions will ebb and flow like water. And that’s okay.”

—Michaela Chung, Author of The Year of The Introvert & Creator of IntrovertSpring.com

Emotional Regulation Tip # 4: Label your emotions

“I’ve always been a very sensitive person. I always seemed to feel too much. As a child, when the teacher scolded another student, I could feel the tension within my body as if I myself were being scolded. As an adult, I often take on the emotions of the people around me. For example, when my partner is feeling grumpy or stressed, I start to feel that way, too.

One thing that has helped me with emotional regulation as an HSP is to name them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, we can scale them down to size. For example, I might say to myself, “You’re feeling stressed right now because you have a lot of work to get done in a short amount of time.” Or, “You feel tense because your partner is tense.” Taking a moment to be aware of my mental state, and labeling the feeling, helps me better control my reactions.”

—Jenn Granneman, Author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World & Founder of IntrovertDear.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #5: Ask yourself, “Whose emotion am I feeling?”

“Highly sensitive people tend to go on sensory overload since they can become emotional sponges. They take on the angst and joy of the world. In The Empath’s Survival Guide, I discuss how important it is to get in the habit of asking yourself this question: Is this emotion or energy mine or someone else’s? If if belongs to another person begin breathing deep and slow to release the toxic energy from your system. Then practice the 3-minute heart meditation where your focus on something you love and put your hand over your heart center in the middle of your chest. This will center you and quickly release any negative energy.”

—Judith Orloff MD, Psychiatrist & Author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, DrJudithOrloff.com  

Emotional Regulation Tip #6: Improve your critical, creative thinking skills.

“Sensory Processing Sensitivity is fundamentally activated by emotions. We receive stimulation from an external source and immediately feel an emotion. We begin to process that emotion more elaborately than those without the trait. Most of us haven’t been taught to practice high-quality thinking that is grounded in universal standards such as clarity, precision, accuracy, relevance, significance, depth, breadth, logic, and fairness. Thus, we often practice a shallower type of thinking that is either primarily egocentric (“how does this affect me in the here and now?”) or sociocentric (“I’ll just go along with everyone else to get along”).  

Emotion regulation implies that we have a greater command of our executive center, which is at the heart of questioning the emotions we experience. When we’re able to embrace a thought process that is critical and creative, self-monitoring and self-corrective, and do so as a lifelong practice, we may well be on the way to better regulation of our often strong, intense emotions.

A great place to begin exploring how to improve your thinking is CriticalThinking.org. I highly recommend two books: Critical Thinking: Tools for Taking Charge of your Professional and Personal Life, by Richard Paul and Linda Elder (2014) and Learning to Think Things Through, by Gerald Nosich (2011). Both are powerful introductions to how you can improve your thinking skills.”

—Dr. Tracy Cooper, Researcher, Author, and Higher Education Professional, DrTracyCooper.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #7: Clean up what’s not working

“Changing how you feel about feelings as a highly sensitive person can help you in endless ways. We are taught that feeling bad is a bad thing, that you should have control of your emotions, and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.

Emotions are not meant to be controlled; they’re meant to be felt. Ignoring emotions, stuffing how you feel, and avoiding the root cause can lead to emotional destruction. However, the emotion itself is not to blame. Your emotions are intuitive tools to help you recognize how you’re feeling and bring attention to what is making you feel that way. Once you notice what you notice, focus on what you can do something about and make any needed changes.

As a sensitive, it’s your nature to feel deeply. Embrace your emotions as intuitive signals. Let them guide you along your path. Shift your mindset to use your emotions to help you clean up what’s not working in your life for less stress and you’ll open up space for more peace and happiness.”

—Nicole Isler, Self-Empowerment Coach at NicoleIsler.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #8: Connect with those who bring you comfort

“One of the most powerful ways HSPs can use their sensitivity to build emotional resilience is to use our finely tuned empathy for others. Often we feel we need solitude to emotionally regulate — and we do— but as humans, we also have an innate need to connect with others. Our nervous systems are biologically designed to co-regulate.

For years, I struggled to find others who soothed my highly sensitive nervous system. I didn’t have a calming partner and children are not good options for emotional support. I felt guilty or weak for being sensitive and unable to “successfully” juggle life’s demands. Through my desire to understand the inner workings of myself and others, I began to connect with others more deeply. The more I connected, the more I felt understood, centered, and calm. And interestingly, more comforting people entered my life.

By using our ability to sense others’ feelings and needs, we’re able to connect on a deeper level. When we feel overwhelmed or in need of emotional care, connecting with others we trust can be calming and comforting. It brings us back to equanimity. My advice is to use our positive deep connections with others to regulate our sensitive nervous systems.

—Brenda Knowles, Personal & Relationship Coach & Author of The Quiet Rise of Introverts, BrendaKnowles.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #9: Inform yourself about sensitivity to express your needs

Many HSPs are told as children that there is something wrong with them for being sensitive, and thus, their self-esteem suffers. It’s imperative for parents of HSCs to learn how to raise a sensitive child so that they don’t feel shame for their sensitivity. Parents should read The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron. If they have a sensitive boy, my book, The Strong Sensitive Boy, deals with unique challenges for sensitive boys.

Many adult HSPs don’t feel comfortable stating their needs. How can HSPs get their emotional needs met if they don’t express themselves? I encourage my clients to immerse themselves in HSP literature and groups to raise their self-esteem. Watch Sensitive the Movie. There are Meetup groups, gatherings, Facebook pages, and Yahoo chat groups for HSPs. The more that we learn to love our trait, the easier it will be for us to state our emotional needs.

When I was writing, The HSP Survival Guide in 2003, I felt shame when some responded that it was a silly title for a book. I can now state that I’m proud to be a sensitive man. As HSPs learn to embrace their sensitivity, they’ll easily be able to regulate their emotions by stating their needs rather than trying to fit in with the 80 percent non-HSP culture. Another resource is my book The Power of Sensitivity, which includes 44 stories from HSPs from 10 different countries who used their sensitivity to overcome emotional challenges and assert their power as HSPs.

—Dr. Ted Zeff, Author of The HSP Survival Guide, The Strong Sensitive Boy, and The Power of Sensitivity, DrTedZeff.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #10: Show sensitivity to yourself with kindness

“When I was first asked to contribute to this important article I kindly declined the invitation. I felt that I couldn’t possibly contribute to such a piece when emotion regulation was something I struggled with myself. I thought that surely an expert contributor must be someone who has all those emotional ups and downs smoothed out nicely into a gently meandering path through life.  

In the process of sharing my doubts, I noticed myself alternating between having cruel thoughts towards myself for being “so useless” to having compassionate thoughts for being “understandably afraid”. At that moment, it dawned on me that where my sensitivity can help the most is when it is shown toward myself in the forms of self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness.

Whether it’s my emotional ups and down’s, my self-doubt that holds me back from contributing, or any other struggle I might face as an HSP, I can navigate these challenges more easily if I am gentle, kind and patient with myself. Showing sensitivity to myself helps me find emotional balance and frees me to be my best.”

—Janine Ramsey, Licensed Counselor for HSP Women & Founder of Sensitivity Style, JanineRamsey.com.au

The last tip in this series really hit home for me. Having struggled with self-criticism myself, I know the power of opening our hearts to ourselves with the same genuine, sensitive compassion we show to others.

I encourage you to access the wealth of resources noted in this article to help you develop the skills for emotional regulation as an HSP.

And if you’re interested in connecting with other HSPs in beautiful locations around the world, consider attending one of my retreats for introverts and sensitive souls. Our Mexico Retreat for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts + Snorkel with Whale Sharks is just around the corner and filling up fast.