Unbearable Lightness of Seeing

Alone on an island. I know no one here.

For an American gal who loves her characteristic “personal space”, a couple of days ago I found myself far less than comfortable with being with myself again. Funny, I have been pleading for this lately.

It was at this time that I wished my boyfriend of two years well on his journey back to France. I said goodbye to him and our beautiful travel adventure. A torrential downpour graced us just as he was departing flushing the tears on our faces off with its gloom. Feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and utter weakness engulfed my body and spirit. I played with the idea of heading back to my two soul sisters in my former home of Tulum, Mexico. Support is nice. Comfort is too.

But my travel experiences have gifted me with an inner knowing that there is a wild feminine soul in me with no limitations.

So, I stayed in the fitting Isla Mujeres or “Island of Women” with the intention of sitting with the pain and sadness alone. One foot in front of the other, I set off with my backpack like a curly-haired turtle to the nearest hostel. I got a bed in a dormitory that reminded me of that Seinfeld episode when Kramer housed Cubans in dresser drawers. Uncomfortable? Yes.

Just the day before, my (now former) boyfriend and I spent the afternoon traversing the island in a golf cart searching for rentals as I considered staying for a month in solitude. But there was nothing in my budget, especially after I left my debit card in an ATM…

Then, just two hours after he left, I got a Facebook message from someone offering me a studio–$300 for the month, seaside, comfy king-sized bed, fully-equipped kitchen (with a blender for superfood smoothies), and WiFi. Exactly what I wanted.

I would spend one night in the dresser drawer and then head to my new sanctuary.

I met a few other cool souls in the dresser; I was meant to sleep there. Without realizing it, I finally gained the confidence to employ my French with the goofy old dude from Bordeaux who did not speak a bit of English. I met a fellow social worker from Canada. And I befriended a young Israeli man going through some struggles and we quickly learned that we share a common thread of some pretty heavy history with our mothers.

But travelers sometimes just come into your life for a moment and then as quickly as you connect, they are gone. I headed off to my new haven the next day to write.

Truth be told, it has taken me FOREVER to launch my site. And here I am, inspired and writing. The creative juices are flowing. I have now accomplished more in two days than I have in nine months. True story.

So, what’s with the title of this blog?

It is not meant to suggest that my relationship epitomized the characters in Milan Kundera’s postmodern writings of The Unbearable Lightness of Being…well, I don’t know…there are whispers of such resemblances.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the novel, Kundera addresses Friedrich Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence, which posited that all events of the universe have already occurred and will recur infinitely, in turn, adding a “heaviness” to the decisions we make that give meaning to our lives. Nietzsche believed “heaviness” could be a burden or blessing. Kundera challenged this notion suggesting that each individual has one linear life to live, which occurs one time only and creates a “lightness” of being. This lightness places less weight on the choices we make in life because if there is no cyclical nature to life then, “There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison.”

One of the main characters in the novel, Tomas, takes a two-year holiday from practicing medicine. At first, he is excited by the freedom of responsibility, but after some time he discovers that that is as much time as he can spend with such “lightness”.

My connection to Kundera’s work is multifaceted in this moment, but I sense that on the contrary to Tomas’ feeling of lightness, my travels that have been filled with weight and meaning for some time. But I have begun to see they are now feeling light. That lightness is moving me forward in two opposing directions. On one hand, I embrace the lightness I see and have released the weight of the “right” decisions. On the other hand, I need to see meaningful weight in my life, which is what has propelled me forward into sharing my story and offering with the world.

I am heavy and light. Being in this divine, cozy space overlooking the sea, I get to be reflective today. I get to be me!